I Told You

by Benny Mattis

This is the entry I wrote (anonymously at first) and read aloud for the 2012 issue of the exceptional Gordon College publication, If I Told You.  It was a really great experience, and I'm glad they accepted my entry even though I was no longer attending the 'Gord.

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        One year ago, I was preparing myself to attend a secular school for the first time in more than ten years.   I did not know what to expect in the upcoming semester; I was raised in a conservative Christian household and educated in Christian private schools since fourth grade, and the way some of my friends and family talked about the public university, it sounded more like a temple of Satan than a respected educational institution.  Either way, I knew I needed to find a community that was not based entirely on ideas that I had come to disagree with; I left the church in my third semester of college, and had to leave Gordon as well.

            Socrates is cited as father of the famous maxim, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year, however, it is that the examined life is worth living.  Too often in our society, skepticism is painted as the “shadow of doubt,” a maleficent state of mind which ought to be avoided like the plague; on the contrary, the ability to seek and accept the truth often precedes an ability to act in accordance with it.  Skepticism is not a shadow itself; it’s only the opening of one’s eyes to find that one is in the dark.  Once the eyes are open, a search for the light switch can begin.

            If you’ve just opened your eyes in the dark, you may feel a little nervous or lonely; you may expect your friends not to care about your thoughts, or worse.  True—talking about doubt and apostasy with your friends is never as safe a subject as, say, the weather of the past week.  But once again, at least for me, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been.  When I made my problems with Christianity known, I was told by someone that some acquaintances of mine had made fun of me behind my back for it—this was bothersome, but I only learned that those friends weren’t really worth my time.  The best of my friends understood me, and while a relationship is not the same without shared beliefs in the supernatural, one based on trust and honesty is vastly more authentic and meaningful than they would have been had I kept things to myself.  Despite transferring from Gordon, I feel like I’m closer to some of my Gordon friends than ever before.

            The same thing happened with my family, though that was a bit more difficult in the early stages.  I was actually worrying about whether they would kick me out of the house when I told them I was leaving the church—I value honesty pretty highly, though, so I decided not to misrepresent myself for temporary comfort.  My parents were upset; they took it a little personally, that I would reject the teachings they raised me with.  There were tears when I told them I left the church, and more tears a few months later, when I told them I had become an atheist.  They did not kick me out of the house, however, and while we can’t help but hurt each other emotionally sometimes, honesty really has been the best policy regarding relationships with friends and family.

            While honesty with others is really the only path to authentic relationships, it is also brings to light differences among your friends and family you may have preferred remaining unacquainted with.  I was shocked at the fact that some people simply don’t care about the truth or falsity of religion, and this difference of interests is something that every skeptic has to grapple with.  On all sides of the spectrum, you will have people telling you to silence yourself: Christians will be telling you to ignore your rationality, atheists will be telling you to ignore your gut feelings, and agnostics will be telling you to give up on the enterprise as a whole.  I suggest you ignore all of these requests—spiritual or rational suicide will only prevent you from reaching your full potential as a person.  It’s much more fulfilling to dive into reality with every fiber of your being, reconciled or otherwise, trying to make sense of it all.  As the famous agnostic Clarence Darrow once said, “Chase the truth like all hell and you’ll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails.”

            For all the grand narratives built around the search for truth, however, skepticism itself is not an idol worthy of religious devotion.  As the Enlightenment philosopher David Hume advised, “Be a philosopher, but amid all your philosophy be still a man” (or woman).  Remember your friends and family when God is nowhere to be found.  Remember your conscience when friends and family fall away as well.  Enjoy your life and live it to the fullest—I believe philosophy is necessary in this mission, but it is far from sufficient. 

-Alumnus, Class of 2013